That Time I Got Affirmed

#52 Drip, Drip, Drip, the Bucket Fills

Nearly 20 years ago, Louise Hay, the mother of the affirmation movement, ushered me into her hotel room for what turned out to be an exorcism.

Louise Hay was a former model who healed herself from cervical cancer, in part by using affirmations and visualizations, along with detoxification and psychotherapy. She went on to write several books offering affirmations matched to specific health conditions. Her book, Heal Your Body, was circling around the NYC dance community when I was a modern dancer in the 80’s and a yoga teacher in the 90’s. Being a modern dancer means a regular diet of bruises, low back aches, cramps and muscle spasms along with feelings of low self-esteem. Where chiropractors, massages, and legs-up-the-wall failed, Louise’s affirmations gave dancers a way to think bigger about their suffering. Affirmations such as “I am willing to release the pattern within me that is creating this condition” empowered us. In a world where dancers are told how to look, what to (not) eat and “just wrap tape around the pain because the show must go on,” this book offered emotional clarity and healthier embodiment.

In 1985 Louise brought the practice of affirmations to a small group of HIV/AIDs patients in San Francisco. This was a dark period when so many gay men were getting sick and dying, and instead of being held with compassion, they were shamed by society and sometimes their own families. Louise grew this work into The Hayride, a group of 800 men who used her affirmations to remind themselves that they were worthy of love and dignity.

The worldwide popularity of her books led to the founding of her publishing company, Hay House. I first met Louise Hay at the Book Fair in NYC where my brand new product, OM yoga in a Box, was being introduced as part of the Hay House line of products in 2001.

Ten years later I was meeting Louise again, this time to talk about a new book I was writing called May I Be Happy. I originally signed a deal with Random House for a book with the working title, I Hate My Body. Unfortunately, my editor felt that the body-positive movement was already passé (she was wrong!) and that no one would be caught dead buying a book with that title (wrong again, see internet shopping…). So she changed the title to something she felt was aspirational. Or you could say, a title that was an affirmation.

Louise Hay agreed with this approach. I had been instructed to go to her hotel room at a certain time. Dressed in a chic, flowing tunic and trousers, at 87 years of age, she had high energy and a bright, bossy presence. As I walked in I saw wine glasses on the table from the night before and somehow I knew that she had more fun things to do than talk to me, someone she didn’t know but had been put on her schedule by a friend of her secretary.

1984, Louise Hay publishes her book (source: https://www.louisehay.com/about/)

So she sat me down and said, “Why are you here?” I told her I was writing a book called I Hate My Body. I explained that this was a common plight for many women. Among my generation it was almost de rigueur for women to critique their appearance to the nth degree. To not do that was conceited and exhibited a kind of confidence that was threatening to other women. So women of my age grew up imprinted with an attitude of extreme self-judgement and we never thought twice about it.

Yet by my late 40s I had recognized that this thought-habit had become a prison. I was getting tired of constantly wanting my face, my hair, and my hips to look different. I was seriously considering growing out my grey hair and letting all the world get to know me as I was. I knew how to look perfect. But the effort to maintain that facade was undermining my confidence. I decided that I would rather feel good than look perfect, and the path to that was going to be to look like myself—my real self.

But it wasn’t so easy, so I began writing a book about it and on this day, I was looking to Louise Hay to give me guidance about how to purge this negative self-judgement.

So I said all this to Louise and she looked at me like I was an idiot. Every other woman I ever talked to about this topic immediately said, “Oh, yeah. I know what you mean.” Not Louise. She said, “What’s wrong with your body? There’s nothing wrong with you. Who didn’t love you enough? Is it your husband?” (Bingo.)

I was speechless and completely intimidated. I had expected some friendly advice and what I got was a fierce and elegant dragon breathing fire on me.

Then she softened a bit and sat back. She said, “OK, this is what is going to happen. You are never going to say those words again. Just don’t.”

She got me to admit that I would never talk to anyone the way I talk to myself. Louise smiled and said, “I have a feeling you are very gentle to your students. What if you could think of yourself as your own new beginning yoga student?”

“You have been saying”—and here she whispered—“I hate my body so much it has become your affirmation. Never say that again. Your new affirmation is “I am my own yoga student.”

She ushered me toward the door of her hotel room, pausing at the last minute to give me her card. “You are going to backslide. This work is a process so when you feel yourself sliding, call me.”

The reason I wanted to share this story is to talk a bit about the difference between affirmations and meditation. There are many “meditations” floating around these days. For the most part, I personally would call many of them affirmations, rather than meditations.

You might find “meditations” that guide you to say to yourself, “I am enough.” Or, “I am calm and grounded.” Or you might find a “meditation” that is for working with obstacles or avoiding burnout or being more generous. These meditations often offer an affirmation, such as Louise did for me, almost like a mantra that you can call up to remind you of what you want to gain or lose. And they can be very powerful and useful.

If you remember to do them.

Louise was right that I would back slide. I did, but I never called Louise, because I was scared of her. Eventually, I finished my book and I forgot all about the affirmation she gave me. The original one (I hate my body) was so deeply entrenched in my psyche that it lived on in me.

Ultimately, I released this old habit with the help of my meditation practice. Having an affirmation just didn’t do the trick. My mindfulness meditation practice gave me three things that enabled me to change my mind.

In Part Two of meditations and affirmations, I will share the three elements of meditation that helped me and how to practice them.

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